This topic has been grinding on me for a few weeks now... And while I'm sure I'll catch some flack for putting it as boldly as this, I feel it needs to be said.
I used to go to church. Well, let me be more specific. I used to do a LOT of church things. I was active in ministry. I was there every Sunday service and Wednesday Night Live. I helped with VBS. I worked occasionally with hospitality. I was an active member of our women's group, even taking on an executive board position one year. I was a regular face in Bible study groups. I was the child care coordinator for three facets of the chapel. I had a key to the actual building, y'all. I attended and supported so many areas of God's house that my involvement transcended services and I knew people from every religion.
And I found out a few things.
First let me say that I believe in God and I consider myself a Christian. I have paid my dues and I understand that He is there for me even when I question everything about life. I will still give credit where credit is due and I will still stand in support of those struggling... but I don't go to church.
I quit going to church when I moved this past summer. I always said I would go back... I would find church home, somewhere I felt was right... but the truth is, I have no desire. The truth is, I don't belong in church. Oh, lawdy, EV'RYONE belongs in church, hon... no. Just... no. Church was what I needed when I found Christ, but church isn't what I need now.
Let me expand on that.
You see, through all that chapel work, I met some absolutely amazing people. I met REAL people. People who I could talk to. People who were just as broken as me, who longed to be accepted as the work in progress that they clearly knew themselves to be. I met people who were more refined by fire, but still had the scars of their journey an would share them with you when the time was right. I met people I looked up to and could count on when times were hard or when I needed solid encouragement. Those people are still very dear to me. I had many, many wonderful experiences and maybe one day I will log them all into a post where that makes sense. But for now, as the title clearly states, this is to explain why I DON'T go to church anymore.
I also met people who were judgmental, mean spirited or just plain lazy. I met people who would listen to your cries for help, profess that they would "pray for" you and then gossip your troubles to the world. I met people who envied my position in the chapel and would run me down or sabotage me at every turn. I met people who were so fake and two faced that they made me question my sense of self. But more than anything... I lived in a home that, from the outside, was a good Christian home. I lived in a home where the husband was just as active in church as me. Where he played in the band and raised his hands in praise in front of the congregation every Sunday... and it was all for show. Because he was that "godly" man and we were "good Christians", well, there is no other choice but to make that marriage work, right? Right? Because no matter what, God doesn't support divorce, right? God has a plan... right?!?
I tried to talk to my church people. They didn't want to hear reality, they just wanted to "pray for the marriage". They told me over and over how it was my duty as a wife to make it work and that I just needed to submit to him, to cater to him, to never lose faith in the union... a union that was so broken and unjust that there was nothing to save. Even when I knew it was over, the resounding advice was that I stick it out, that I forgive everything.
I stayed with a man who disrespected me, ignored our children, pitted people against me, made our home a nightmare, didn't lift a finger to help with anything, expected me to drop everything on a whim and attend to his demands... He was abusive, even admitted to officers that he knew he was mentally and emotionally abusing me... all with a smirk on his face. He had inappropriate relationships with various women yet had no time to even bother with me. And when depression kicked in, I was the crazy one. And because he's the good, Christian man... well... clearly I need to try harder. Because I had a "good man". And there was no REAL support from the church unless it was supporting me to stay right where I was, in a horrible marriage to a person who didn't deserve my efforts.
I had a liar. A cheat. A poor excuse for a man and an even worse choice for husband. A man who would (and very literally did) throw a glass of water in my face en route to Sunday services because he was in a bad mood, tell me to suck it up and exit the car to greet Brother so-and-so with a hearty laugh and pat on the back before walking in to lead worship. I was absolutely, positively miserable. My children were absolutely, positively miserable. And when I finally stepped out of "what God wanted" and made the decision to leave, that decision came with a break from the fallacy of church.
And now? Now I'm happy. I feel like I have begun to find myself, the me I actually am, not the me I've had to present to the world for all these years. Now I have a good man. I have a man who is, in every way, a real man. A man who I would be proud to fight for but don't have to because he makes me a priority. I have a man who has taken my four children and been a better role model for them than any man I met in a church. He's set the example of love and respect. And my house is happy. My children are happy. I am happy. I am living my life the same as I would if I were attending church. I don't need a Sunday scripture to remind me to be kind or loving. I don't need someone shutting my greatness down because I don't meet their definition of what makes a "good Christian woman".
I am a mom of four, twice divorced, living "in sin" with a man who will probably never marry her. Forget everything about who I am, what I believe, the awesomeness that oozes from my aura every time I breathe. Forget all the same about everyone else in this house. And imagine walking into a church, any church, and saying "hi. I'm Tori. I have 4 kids, three different dads... twice divorced... oh, no, my boyfriend isn't the dad of any of them... uh huh... yes we do live together..." and just completely bypass all the stink eye that comes when I try to explain that this man by my side has been my best friend for nearly 14 years and, yes, I know, he's put up with far more from me than anyone ever should have... and no... no, there wasn't inappropriate relations during my marriage, that's not..... oh screw it. I'm happy. And my life has been one big, continuing stream of hot mess for a long time now. But here's the fun part. I don't need the people in a church who have no idea who I am to start telling me how to live. That's how I got into all this trouble in the first place.
I should have stood up for myself and said "this isn't right". I should've fought for myself. I should have fought for the person that was being stolen from me. I should have fought for me. Instead, I let the church shame me into thinking that who I was couldn't possibly be good enough. I let the church shame me into feeling like I could only be important if I pretended to have it all together. I let myself go and pretended that everything was fine.
I refuse to let myself go again.
Besides. That ex-husband is still raising his hand in praise, standing before an all new group of God-fearing folk who have no idea what demons are running loose in his soul. He's praying to sweet baby Jesus and publicly presenting himself every bit the godly man his new wife is fully convinced he is. Maybe this time around will be his turning point. Maybe he will actually become the man he portrays himself to be. Maybe his soul will be cleansed and he will have an amazing testimony... Or maybe he will just keep pretending. But church can't change him... only God can.
And knowing that church is the place where people will open their arms to evil in a cloak of grace while turning their back on people with a sorted past who are completely honest in their sins... well, it's just not the place for me. God knows me for who I am and He greets me no matter where I am when I call to Him.
I'm happy with my decision. I know how I feel about God and I'm pretty certain I know how He feels about me. And I'm going to suggest that all you folks who see things in black and white try to open your eyes to that rainbow. You never know who you're not helping.
Sidebar: If you can't accept and support someone's decision to personalize their faith, then you're part of the problem. If you are someone who feels like no one understands and you've written off God based on the people who claim to know Him, come talk to me. I'll tell you some stories. I promise you'll leave that conversation feeling like there is nothing you can do to lose God's heart.
