I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I own that. I actually own my past more than most people are willing to accept. I will openly discuss my life story and I will give my experience based advice when asked, but it took me a long time to get to this point. I wasn't always proud of myself and I didn't always have a reason to be.
However, one thing I've learned is that we are who we are. We all make mistakes and those mistakes - along with our successes and how we handle our failures - they shape who we are. And for the first time in forever, I like who I am.
18 years ago, I lost my standing with my family. They didn't care that I really was a good student who had abstained from boys, they never cared that I was taken advantage of in a moment where I had let my better judgement slip. All they saw was shame. They were quick to tell me how worthless I had made myself and what a horrible mother I would be if I made the incredibly selfish decision of keeping my baby. I kept her anyway. And we fought. We fought like hell.
Time marched on and because impressionable young women tend to absorb the nasty opinions of those who matter to her, I fell completely into the mentality that I was no good. No one would ever want me, I didn't deserve nice things in life, I could never work hard enough to prove I was a worthy human being. So I made decisions based on that fallacy of worthlessness. I allowed myself to be paired with men who honestly did not deserve me. I allowed people to talk down to me. I allowed myself to be battered and bruised mentally, physically and emotionally. I lost my true identity because I believed that I was the person 96% of the world held no hesitation telling me they thought I was.
So I made mistakes. God, I made mistakes. I did things I can never take back. I aimed the path of my life into the dark and charged forward feeling like whatever pain and failure I absorbed along the way was exactly what I deserved for going to that party that one night... and having my virginity stolen. Dangerous relationships, suicidal behaviors, extreme depression and when I reached out I was slapped down with the assumption that I deserved everything that was coming to me.
One day, far later than I care to admit, I realized that I am not a victim. Yes... I have been victimized, many times, in fact, but I AM NOT A VICTIM. I made choices, not great ones sometimes, but it is never too late to be the person you want to be. And I didn't want to be unhappy anymore. I didn't want to hate life. I didn't want to continue to allow people to have outdated opinions of my worth and give them any stronghold to that mentality.
So I opened my mouth and I spoke. I started talking. Not really about the people who I allowed myself to engage with or how badly they had hurt me or in all honesty, how I was so unfeeling that I didn't hurt at all anymore. I opened up about kindness. About love. About hope. About self worth. About how you can't change even one moment of your past but you can direct every moment of your present and step by step work toward being the best you in every moment. And about how you should treat those who need grace. And an amazing thing happened...
Real people connected with me. People who felt worthless and needed someone to tell them that they have the final say. People who struggle with depression who needed someone to help them cope with their demons. People who were shrugged off when they tried to seek help for cutting. People who needed to hear that there is hope. People who needed to hear it from someone like me.
I still have family who thinks I am a terrible person. Some just think I'm lazy and a bad mother. There will never be anything that I can do to change their opinions. And that's their issue. Not mine. I still have to deal with the ramifications of not carefully selecting the men who fathered my children. But I'm wise enough to know that the high road is the only route worth taking. I still struggle with the fear of losing everything. But I work very hard to give myself and my children the very best chance. I still slip into depression sometimes and when I do, I feel like a hypocrite. But that's okay, too.
The reality is: it doesn't matter to me what my father's brother thinks. It doesn't matter to me how old school acquaintances might talk about me. It doesn't matter to me if a stranger who has never met me feels like I'm a whore or uneducated or should be forever alone. I'm not here for them. I'm here for every person who has people like them mounting up and they're suffocating under the pressure. I'm here for my children. Those lives that I brought into this world and those humans who will go forth and spread the legacy I instill in them.
And when I foolishly allow myself to slip into the mentality that I am not good enough... I need someone like me to snap me out of those chains and remind me that I know who I am. And who I am is worthy.
Your past does not define your ability to alter your future. Weak moments do not make you a weak person. Whether you've struggled a moment, a day, a month or years... just know that you are worthy. The only person who can alter the course of your life is you. And people will either encourage you, lift you up and help guide you... or they won't. Sometimes a path has to be travelled alone. Don't let anyone's opinions chain you. Take back control of you.
If you need silver linings, you know where to find me. A dose of hard truth and clear direction does wonders for a clouded reflection.
Seeing clearly.
Much love, y'all.
