First Day of 7th Grade (repost from 3 years ago)

This is another blog I wrote several years ago (3 nearly to the day) and felt deserved a repost.  Update at the end.

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Oh. My. God. It's like, you just don't get it, ya know?

Yep.

I don't get it. I don't get why my recently turned 12 year old daughter is so determined to be anyone BUT herself. I don't understand why she feels it necessary to try so hard to be like every one of the girls she is friends with or wants to be friends with but will deny something she enjoys if it is shared by someone who the aforementioned girls don't like. Well, I do get it, actually... I, too, was once a *gasp* preteen. (Although this particular daughter cannot grasp that concept.)

When I was going into 7th grade I refused to be like the rest of the girls. Those of you who know me now will probably agree that I still refuse to be anyone other than me. Not that I've always liked me, just that I knew I didn't like them. And somehow, I've failed thus far to teach my eldest child the concept of "IF YOU DON'T LIKE THEM, CHANCES ARE PEOPLE WON'T LIKE YOU WHEN YOU ACT JUST LIKE THEM!!" How did I miss this all important lesson? Well, clearly my constant berading of her hasn't caused the message to seep into her skull, so apparently I need to try a different method.

So here's my idea. Overly protective/reserved/conservative parents STOP READING NOW.

Now that we've weeded out those who will no doubt hassle me, here goes. I'm gonna let her fall flat on her high and mighty face. Yep. The thing about middle/high school is that you need to make mistakes and be held accountable for them by someone other than your parents (who OBVIOUSLY don't know ANYTHING). A child will not learn every life lesson in the comfort of their home and if they do, that only speaks to the limited realm of life that you experience by never learning anything from real life experiences.

Tomorrow starts a new school year. A new batch of kids for her to idolize and squash under her foot. A new batch of kids to do the same to her. And it may sound wrong, but I hope someone puts her in her place. Not necessarily by making her 7th grade year hell... because I know mine was, and frankly, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, let alone my child. I just don't want her to be like Stephanie and Jamie. And my "friend" Annie who spent all summer hanging out with me and enjoying my awesome company until she had to choose between what was real in our friendship and throwing me under the proverbial bus in order to not join me in my lowly status as the preteen punching bag.

I know that it may sound wrong for me to say such things... I ought to be saying how wonderful this year will be for her and how it's a fantastic opportunity in her life to grow and develop and yada yada yada. Well, it's all that, too. I just hope that this year she figures out that the best way to treat people... ALL PEOPLE... is to treat them with kindness, compassion and grace. I hope that she learns that who she is is who she was meant to be. I hope she learns that there are good qualities, bad qualities and every other kind of quality in every person you meet... and that it's perfectly okay to encourage the positive, pray for the negative and overlook what doesn't really matter in the long run. Because that's life.

So here's to 7th grade. I hope you teach my daughter grace. I hope you teach my daughter humility. I hope you teach my daughter respect. And love. And acceptance. And friendship. Real friendship. I hope you teach my daughter that being who she is is exactly and perfectly and beautifully okay. Imitations never surpass the original... so work on what you originally are. Because THAT is the best YOU are going to ever get... God created you to be you. Bask in the awesomeness that has already been bestowed upon you and don't try to be anyone else... because you were never created to be anything LESS than who you are.
~~~~~~~UPDATE~~~~~~~~

The daughter who was the subject of this blog started her sophomore year in a (yet another) new school this week.  She has grown into a beautifully compassionate young woman who tries to be kind to everyone and is well liked for the quirky, cool, dorky and wonderful person she is.  She still struggles to fit in, but at least she knows who she is and who she wants to be.  Obviously something is working.  

Now I have my second daughter who just started 6th grade. I must've learned something from my eldest... or maybe it's just that Kenz is so eccentric in general... because so far she's never been anyone other than who she is.  I'm not going to lie...  sometimes thats a pain in the butt.  But I have to give her respect  for being happy with who she is and the space to continue to hone her personality.  (Her 1st grade teacher told me soon she would become "socially aware and conform".  I responded "I hope not"... and so far she's been holding strong to that non-conformity.)

It's not over.  I have 2 more coming up through the ranks and it's a struggle with each child. But I stand by my words.  Good luck to all the kids - and their parents.

12 Years Ago Today (Repost from 3 years ago)

Tomorrow is Katy's 15th birthday. In honor of that, I'm reposting the blog I wrote 3 years ago today. Every word still rings true and before I blog again tomorrow, it's nice to have a refreshing reminder. If you're going through something and can't see how it's going to work out, have faith and keep pushing through. Greatness is there.

12 years ago today

So I've been dealing with a lot of random feelings about my baby girl turning 12 tomorrow. Actually today since it's 12:23 am... but she was born in NC where it is still only 6:23pm - on the 19th. And since she wasn't born until 7ish in the morning add another few hours and I'm technically correct on the whole tomorrow thing. I'm just smart enough to not try to pull that one out with her and deal with the whole preteen drama throwdown that is liable to ensue...

Anyhow.

12 years ago today I was scared to death. I didn't know what I was getting into but I knew that it was a choice I had made knowing full well that life as I never had a chance to know it would never be the same. I was between my junior and senior years of high school and 99.9% of the people who knew me honestly thought that the news of my having a baby was a cruel joke and couldn't grasp me being in that particular situation. Because at that point in time, you see... it was a "situation". As in "how could you have gotten yourself into this 'situation'" or "I just don't know how we're going to deal with this 'situation'"...

Twelve long, hard, beautiful, maddening, facinating, enlightening, survivalist years later? It's no longer a 'situation' that needs to be 'dealt with'... it is a child. A young woman. A lovely blessing. A hormonal confusion. A daughter. It's just Katy. And I'm just mom. Something that I couldn't see forward to 12 years ago today. I just knew that this was my child, my cross to bear, my life to mold, my twist of fate. And I took a leap of faith, having no faith to leap on. It was hard, I won't sugar coat that. It was definately no bed of roses and sometimes I feel like I didn't live up to my potential. But then I look at my children and think that maybe my potential was not to live into my OWN greatness, but to press forward and help them discover theirs.

I haven't always done right by Katy. I haven't always made the best decisions or packed the healthiest lunches (the trip to the Bureau of Engraving and Printing where I missed the memo about a bagged lunch and we all ate random snackfoods for lunch... not nutritious, but I was totally the coolest mom on the chaperone list...)... but I have ALWAYS known that I was meant to accept the responsibility and the challenge that would be Kaitlyn Rae Binkley. I knew that I was to learn and to teach, to nurture and be loved, to grow and to help grow... I knew that we were meant to be.

There have been times where I have questioned my sanity and my committment, there have been times where I knew without a doubt I was failing... but there has never been a time where I haven't known that my single most important purpose on this earth was to be a mom... even if the title DID claim me before I could vote and even before I graduated high school... This is who I am, and I wouldn't be who I am without who SHE is.

Katy has been with me throughout some of the hardest lessons in my life. She has remained an innocent player in the game of life and has battle scars inflicted by the trials and uncertainties that being the daughter of a teenaged mother can subject a child to. In spite of her beginnings and the sadness and anger which resulted from the 'situation' she was unknowingly the seed of, she immediately won the hearts of even the most rooted nay sayers. All it took was one look from that beautiful bundle of joy and everyone knew, just KNEW that this child was meant to be and was destined for awesomeness.

Now here we are, on the eve of her last year of official childhood, and I still know that this child is destined for awesomeness. And I have a renewed faith in myself, too... because after all is said and done, I haven't failed after all. I have succeeded... and my first notable accomplishment was standing my ground and accepting the gift of Katy.

Happy birthday to my first born, my life changer, my first love. Happy birthday to Katy.

It's okay.

We've all seen the memes, heard the advice from "well meaning" people, usually folks who are so far removed from their own children's youth that they've created a mental blind spot to all the things parents endure in the name of raising children...

"Enjoy this time... they grow up so fast."

I saw one a few minutes ago and, as I often do, I broke out the ol' Mac.

A dear friend brought up a great point the other day.  She was flustered.  Her husband is in another country (as happens on occasion when you're a military spouse) and they've just moved to Germany from Italy with their aging pets and two small children (10 months and 6).  They're all driving her nuts.  I've been in her shoes.  I know a lot of you reading this have, too.  Her concern voiced to me was simple.  Like me, she worries that the standards placed on enjoying EVERY minute are unreasonable.

Am I doing enough with them?
Am I teaching them the right things?
Am I appreciating everything they do?
If I throw away this little scrap of paper or dead flower will I scar them for life?
If I can't pretend to be interested in this absurd line of questioning right this minute... am I a bad mom?

And when we get frustrated and need a break and it seems (or might actually BE) impossible to take one, well we are told to appreciate these days.  They won't be little forever.  One day, you'll blink your eyes and a man will stand where your baby boy once was.  They'll leave and you'll be heart broken.

Hey.  People.  Screw you.

There is NO SHAME in being overwhelmed.  There is no shame in accepting that sometimes, no matter how much we love our children, they're little a-holes.  That's right.  I said it.

And you know what?  Sometimes, I need to step away in order to come back and effectively teach that little a-hole that their a-hole behavior is unacceptable so that I can do the job all parents should strive for... which is to raise adults who *gasp* aren't a-holes.  Wait.  Read that again if you need to.

Now really dig into the implications.  As parents, we are given a child who we shape, mold, care for and guide into adulthood.  The ultimate goal of any parent should be to do our best to release those crazy little a-holes into the wild some day as a critter that can care for itself and others in a manner that benefits the world.  So clearly, they're meant to grow up.

That being said...

It's physically, mentally and psychologically impossible to cherish every single moment of every single day and every single thing your kid does.  Trust me.  I have four.  I do my best, I'm sure most of us do.  But I'm not Jesus, y'all.  Lord forgive me, but some days when I've swept, mopped, vacuumed, cooked, washed the dishes, done the laundry, bathed the kids and step my exhausted carcass into the bathroom to pee....... and I come back out to an entire container of Fruity Pebbles crushed into the carpet, yogurt on the kitchen floor, the baby covered in green marker, the tweens arguing over whats fair in a video game and every item torn out of the dresser because the soon to be kindergartener is trying to find the right pair of panties to match the 7th dress she's had on in the last hour? Well.  You can take your "cherish them when they're little" advice and shove it.  See what I did there? I told the truth.

I love my kids.  And I have AMAZING kids.  They're well behaved, brilliant, beautiful, funny, imaginative, love to explore and a million other qualities that could go on much longer than you'd be interested in reading. But that's just it.  They're great.  And I don't need to pretend that they don't have their little a-hole moments to get that point across. I also LOVE seeing the people they're becoming. It's amazing to think that I've had anything to do with these beings that are blossoming before my eyes.  It excites me.

Will I miss the hugs and kisses? The bedtime stories and tucking in? The diaper hats and funny way the baby eats his pasta? Absolutely.

Will I miss being head-butted? Having a toddler spit in my mouth? The tears because I can't read every book on the shelf every night? The getting out of bed every 5 minutes asking for water then waking up at 3am because they have to pee? Ruining diapers that cost good money? The mess that comes with someone who is still young enough to be considered socially acceptable with such terrible table manners? Absolutely not.

One day I will be able to go to the pool and swim. I can lay out. I can close my eyes and relax because I won't be responsible for a drowning toddler.  One day I can go to a movie because I want to. One day I can make myself a cup of coffee and drink it while it's still hot... and drink it all by myself. I'll be able to leave M&Ms on my dresser and they'll still be there 5 minutes later. I can make what I want for dinner and no one will complain. I can sleep in on a school day - or any day. I can wear any fabric I choose and I can leave the house confident that there is no snot on my person. The world will be my oyster.

I love the moments that make my children awesome.  I can even find humor in those moments that make them not so awesome.  But when I can come sit on the porch, drink a glass of good wine, relax in the cool summer breeze and write a blog? Well, I can't help but get all giddy for the days when I can do it before 11pm and walk back inside to a nice, clean house that looks just the way it did when I went outside to begin with.

One day my children will be grown.  But if I raise them right, they won't be gone.  They'll still love me and I'll still love them.  They'll bring me their husbands and wife (or wives, whatever, I'll love who they love) and their children. They'll bring them to visit and their kids will jam my DVD player (like Sophie did in 2011) and pee on my carpet (like Levi did last month) and like my dad did, I'll laugh and brush it off and remind their mortified parent that they were once a little a-hole, too.  And then I'll hug my grandchildren tight and tell them how much I love them... and I'll remind their mamas and daddies that one day, they'll grow up.

I'm writing to say this, really...  If you see a parent stressed out, frazzled, frustrated, irritated, at wit's end (I think you get it), don't "remind" them to cherish these moments and tell them one day they'll have an empty nest and thus an empty life... Give them a little nod, tell them they're doing okay and if you're really feeling helpful, help.  I promise.  We love them.  But sometimes we need people to remind us that it's okay to not always like them.  And it's perfectly acceptable to look forward to living a life where you can put you first.  I know I am.

Reported... for nudity? (Updated)

On the heels of my super cute and - let's be honest - hilarious toddler pic being reported for nudity on Facebook by who knows...  I feel the need to say a few things.  Wait.  Let me get my coffee. *sip*

This (reposted to Facebook) is the photo that was reported to Facebook.  Due to my privacy settings, only my friends should be able to see it.  Well, until now.  But that's not even my issue here.  My issue runs deeper than a simple game of 'who dun it'.  I honestly couldn't care less. What concerns me are the implications of someone thinking this photo is inappropriate on the level of it's nudity.  And yes.  Those clouds were there prior to the report.  So my 2 year old, potty training, cloud covered son is a problem for someone out there in cyber space. A 'friend', no less.

Somehow, Americans have gotten to a sad, sad place regarding the human body. We live in a world where it's okay for young ladies to twerk in thongs and display the entirety of their cleavage in a profile picture. It's acceptable for high school girls to wear shorts so short that if they don't wax their pubes it'll be public knowledge. Nipples are common place and unoffensive... unless, of course, theres an infant feeding from them.  Wait, wait, this isn't a breastfeeding in public post... but that's a harsh reality.

My four children and I spent the last four years living in Italy. Children ran in the yard nude. Girls swim topless until puberty and often after. It's nothing for children to strip naked and go for a dip in the river or even run in the water spray at major theme parks in (at most) their underwear. I had honestly either never noticed or forgotten how ridiculous American culture can be when it involves *gasp* nakedness.

Here's the thing.

There will always be threats.  There will always be potential for someone to intend harm. There will always be people who are turned on by things that are unnatural or disturbing or unconventional in the opinion of the masses.  These people have always existed.  These people will always exist.

Here's another thing.

For 15 years, as long as I've been a mother, my first priority has been the love and protection of my children.  I have spent more hours than the general public will ever appreciate trying to care for and protect my children.  I teach them self awareness, I teach them self acceptance, I teach them about respect for themselves and for others.  I teach them modesty and boundaries and morality.  I teach them about what is appropriate and what isn't and when they are old enough, I teach them about predator protection and internet safety.

With those things out in the open, let's get down to brass tacks, shall we?

I have no intention of putting my children out in a pornographic or otherwise harmful nature.  But I also refuse - do you hear me? REFUSE! - to teach my children that there is no such thing as innocence.  And I REFUSE to lose the appreciation for innocence myself. Children are amazing.  They come into this world full of wonder and eagerness to absorb the world around them.  If we can't appreciate what is natural and innocent, we lose the wonder of childhood and, quite frankly, life.

The life of a mom is full of moments where we see our children in their most adorable element.  We see them learning, growing, discovering, accomplishing, astounding every day.  And, let's face it. At some point, they're naked.  If they're anything like my kids (the little two, at least), they're naked a lot.  And their nakedness often adds to the mother's daily dose of laughter. Well, if the mom is anything like me.  And if that mom is like me, she will take a picture of whatever monumental (or just amusing) thing that is going on regardless of the state of undress... and edit appropriately prior to posting online for other folks to join in on the hilarity or accomplishment.  Part of the fun is determining what tiny picture I'm going to use as a censor block.

I'm not saying we don't need to consider the very real existence of child predators.  I'm just saying that perhaps we need to get our priorities in line and teach our children to be proud and respectful of their bodies. And if you view a photo of a child learning to use the potty with their genitals no more visible than a kid at the beach as a sexual threat? Well, then.  Perhaps you're part of the problem and I'd like to keep you away from all children for the sake of everyone involved.  Your line of thinking is definitely not innocent.

Next time you view a photo of a child with no visible "private" parts and you think about the sexual implications, do the world a favor.  Seek help.  Don't punish a mother for relishing in what is good, pure, happy and innocent in her child's life.  You are the problem. Not mothers and their precious children.

UPDATE:

When I awoke this morning, I had 95 views on this blog and a broken link that took readers to a page alerting us all that the photo was deemed offensive by Facebook and removed for content.  I am not shocked.  Someone in their office is probably clicking "delete" on every complaint that finds it's way to the server.  So whats a girl to do?! Repost.  And re-link.  And go on a search for an editing app that will allow me to go bigger, better and funnier with adding creative censor blocks to butts and such.

I've sent in my three sentence statement of disappointment to the Facey-book powers that be, but we all know that isn't going to blow the slightest breeze toward ruffling those feathers.  So all I can say is this:  Stand up for yourself, your kids, your standards... and don't lose the humor or the innocence.  Life has a way of sending people like Moronica DeFecalhead (name creeds to my dad, ya know, the man who helped me see the humor in things such as these) to try to suck the joy out of life.  Fight back and don't let 'em get to ya.

I'm taking the kids to the pool today.  There will be pictures.  Ooh...  better start planning censorship!!

Have an AWESOME day, y'all.